Journal - 24th October 2008

Well, again, I haven't been able to write everyday - if I did you would have been very sick of me, I can tell you now.

One of the things I didn't put in my `introduction' about myself (not because I'm ashamed, I just don't always think about it), is that I suffer from clinical depression, which sometimes culminates in annoying panic attacks.

The reason I don't bring it up much, is because it doesn't really affect my work or my faith. I can still teach quite competently, and when I have an attack, I know the Lord is with me, because he always sends someone along to help me through. Unfortunately, I realized this week (and I've known this for ages but haven't wanted to accept it) it does effect my communication with my peers.

I'd actually thought I was getting better, I hadn't had an attack for a while.

Monday morning I woke up - really keen about my day. Chris (my principal) and I had spoken about the necessity to enhance our intervention program. Great - I spent the weekend going over the test results and came up with 3 main needs - `Reading Comprehension (including numerical problem solving); Basic Facts and Phonemic Awareness (mainly with my students suffering from undiagnosed Dyslexia or other learning difficulties.

So, I got prepared - I had some strategies all ready to present to the staff when it came up. So what happened!!

Well, I left the meeting `angry and disapointment', tears pouring down my face, and my blood pressure rising - `why didn't they listen to me.' Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?

Over my years (I would say nearly 30years now, including my Teacher Aide time), in education, I have studied a lot of strategies for teaching and learning. A few years ago I started writing some books - the first was about `Writing', the second `Reading and Comprehension' and the third `Spelling'. Each time I finished a book, I would present it at a Staff Meeting and Learning Support Meeting', really excited about how these could help teachers in their classrooms etc. I guess I am just not a very good sales person (I wasn't selling for money) - because the books are now just sitting on my shelf gathering dust.

Anyway, the last two years I've had a great desire to find out `WHY' rather than just `WHAT', so I've been studying up on Audio Processing, Dyslexia (Dyscalcia), Eye Convergence, and may even put together another book (I've decided I'll just put my findings on my `blog' and if people are interested, they can have a look.) I've been doing screeners of my students in these areas, and I believe it is helping me to diagnose and help my students better.

Again, on Monday, I was really excited about sharing some of the programs I had put together. So why didn't I share them - well basically, I didn't think the time was right. But maybe I was thinking back over other times of rejection, and just couldn't do it. Who knows? All I know I missed a perfectly good chance because I was too afraid!! And for this whole week I have getting more and more frustrated with myself, and consequently - depressed. It is now Friday - and although I love my work, I just can't seem to get the energy up to get ready to go.

But I will - as I always have. The clock is ticking over, and I still aren't dressed. I have `Key Teacher' meeting this afternoon, a new job I have taken on this year, and I can only pray that I can make it through - with God's help, I'm sure I will!!