Forgiveness - Breaking the Chain.

"Forgiveness breaks the chain. It cuts the cord between you and the last hurtful event." (Dr Henry)

"When you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in Heaven will forgive your sins too." Mark 11:25

We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. Bad things happen and we will be hurt, even by those we love and trust. But if we are to experience the good God desires of us, we must let go of the `the bad' and the sting that it carries.

This doesn't mean we deny our hurts and the evil someone may have done against you. You need to feel the feelings, talk about the hurt and grieve. But then we need to seek reconciliation, and this isn't always easy.

I read a lot of Amish stories, and am always overwhelmed at their ability to forgive and not take people to court, even when someone has hurt them badly. eg. murdering their children, kidnapping their child. But, it doesn't mean they are still not hurting. `Shunning' is something that I find even more difficult to understand, for the `punishment' doesn't seem to suit the crimes. But the same hurt is there. When a person is shunned it is because they have broken the trust of their people and seem to be turning away from God and those who love them.

A number of years ago I wrote to my step-sister, seeking forgiveness for the anger I felt against her for the ways she had hurt me. My step-mother, with whom I'd had a great relationship in the past, wrote to me and said: "You have no right to feel the way you do". For many years, she basically `shunned' me and our relationship became very strained.

I realized many years later, that as her only Christian daughter, she expected more of me. We had a special relationship based on trust, and I had let her down. Whether I agree with her or not is not the issue. She wanted a `perfect' daughter, and until I admitted that the feelings I had were wrong, I could never be that daughter she wanted.

Unfortunately, that relationship was never truly reconciled, because it takes two, not just one to forgive. She never forgave me and I felt that she could never trust me. I was also quite stubborn and I couldn't (or wouldn't) admit that my feelings were wrong. My mother died, not knowing true reconciliation, because neither of us were willing to take that step of forgiveness.

How can I stop this from happening again? Is it ever possible to free oneself from the past and trust again?

I entrust my heart each day to different people - my husband, my friends, my minister, my colleagues - but I have discovered over the years that to trust them, I have to accept that they are not perfect. Trust is earned and it takes time. Sometimes the pain is too powerful. It `takes the wind out of your sails' and gives you less jest for life. But if I am to trust again, my relationships need to be based not on `one way forgiveness', but on true reconciliation.

Yes, it is possible to free oneself from the past and trust again. Why? Because we have been forgiven by God. He holds nothing against us. Humbled by His love and knowing that if we do `fall', he is always their to lift us up again, is the promise we have that makes forgiveness and true reconciliation that little bit easier.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord upholds them by the hand." Psalm 37:23&24.