I can't stop sharing!!

I know I promised that I would move on and you wouldn't have to listen to my journalling anymore. But I just have to share about the wonderful way God is working in my life at the moment. Like my father (see earlier blog) I have faced a lot of grief in my life, and have lived with depression for many years.

Recently I was reading a book with a friend, and in it was one of those `grief timelines' - you know the denial, the anger, the depression - which is always where I have seemed to stop. I have never been able to get past that `level'.

As you know, recently I changed workplaces - and CHANGE can sometimes be a type of grief, depending on whether it is a positive or negative change. I started off with the denial, the anger - then there was the trying to change the situation myself, rather than leaning on God - and of course the depression.

In this book we are reading, I discovered too more levels, after the depression - 1) Trials and 2) Victory (or words to that effect). In the last few weeks, I have felt that I am moving out of the depression stage, for the first time, since being diagnosed in 1998. I am not ready to go off the medication (I've tried that before, but with clinical depression, it doesn't work); I still have my bad days. But now I see them as trials. Trials, that with the help of the Lord, my family and friends, can lead to victory.

I still go to school every Wednesday and Friday, and without fail will get into `trouble' - in some jobs you just can't make anybody happy. But instead of the tears, and the `giving up' mentality - I now have the `you can get through this, because the Lord wants you here.' I now don't wake up every morning, dreading going to work. I don't come home at the end of each day depressed, and ready to quit. I wake up ready to face what the Lord has in store for me, to give myself in service to others, and to come home excited about how God has used me that day.

I may not be in the total VICTORY stage, and may never get there. But I am learning how to have victory in those `small things' each day, victory you can only have through a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

"Therefore, we, who have fled to him for refuge,
can take new courage, for we can hold on to his
promises with CONFIDENCE. This CONFIDENCE is like
a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls."
HEBREWS 6:18&19

At my old Church I used to be one of the WORSHIP LEADERS. I would always choose a song that summed up how I was feeling that week, and it usually related really well to the `theme' of the rest of the service. If I was worship leading this week my song would be `VICTORY IN JESUS" (yes, I am a hymn person.)

In 1939, the author of this hymn Eugene M Bartlett had a serious stroke and was partially paralyzed. He used to travel around with his music ministry, but now he was confined to his bed. But, as he said, `I can still study the Bible'. he struggled to put down words on paper, and this is one of the songs he wrote.

"I heard and old, old story, how a Saviour came in glory
How He gave His life on calvary to save a wretch like me.
I heard about His groaning, of His precious blood atoning,
Then I repented of my sins and won the victory.

O VICTORY IN JESUS, MY SAVIOUR FOREVER,
HE SOUGHT ME AND BOUGHT ME, WITH HIS REDEEMING BLOOD.
HE LOVED ME ERE I KNEW HIM, AND ALL MY LOVE IS DUE HIM,
HE PLUNGED ME INTO VICTORY BENEATH THE CLEANSING FLOOD.

I heard about His healing, of His cleansing power revealing
How He mad the lame to walk again, and caused the blind to see.
And then I cried, `Dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit'
And somehow Jesus came and brought to me the victory.

I heard about a mansion He has built for me in glory.
And I heard about the streets of gold beyond the crystal sea.
About the angels singing, and the old redemption story
And some sweet day I'll sing up there the song of victory.

Eugene M Bartlett, 1939. (The Complete Book of Hymns: William & Ardythe Peterson)