This week as been busy and quite stressful. Why? Well, lately I have been having a little spiritual struggle. I've called it `Money or Service - Can I Have Both'. In the last couple of weeks I have started a new job as a Tutor. It started with just a little work with Kip McGrath, but then they wanted more, and then another Tutoring Group wanted me for some private Tutoring - a family of ESL Indian children. The little more money would be very handy at the moment, but this would mean giving up my volunteer tutoring at Church.
Oh, I have been getting a lot of encouragement, "there is nothing wrong with money' and `your best ministry can be done outside Church'. Still, I hadn't accepted these, and was still feeling quite guilty. Even when the Church told me they had decided to give their tutoring ministry a break for now. I thanked the Lord for this `way out', but I still blamed myself a little. The Lord and I have been talking this out, but still I felt no freedom - until TODAY.
Last week Pastor David finished our series on Daniel. His other sermons have been good, but I didn't really need a challenge in the areas of integrity and standing up for what I believe. These come naturally. It was the OBEDIENCE and FAITHFULNESS that were my little struggles of late. Although not mentioned in his sermons, my favourite verse that I was having the most hassles with.
"The wise will shine like the brightness. Those who teach others to live right will shine like the stars forever." Daniel 12:3
Ever since I was a child and had made my first decision to accept Christ as my Saviour, all I've ever wanted to be was his SERVANT. I wanted to `SHINE'. Guilt has always been the thing that has not only prevented me from doing this, but had lately also taken away the joy I find in service and worship. (Romans 12:1)
In the back of my Bible I have written a few notes from todays sermon. "God is `missio dei' - a God of missions. He prepares the way for us and then shows us where to go. Even though I was brought up in what some might call a very `sheltered spiritual family', I always found myself in situations, outside the Church where the Lord could use me. As a student and later a teacher in the Public School system, as a Foster Parent, as an Army wife, reaching out to the community with Kids Club, and now I am in what some might call the `sin city' of Queensland, the Gold Coast.
After my bout with depression and the loss of my job in the Public School system, I truly believed it was time I got some encouragement by working in a Christian senting. But the Private Schools didn't want me and I didn't get the Chaplaincy job or Children's pastoral jobs I applied for. Now I am called back to teaching - back into the big, wide world again. As for the joy in service - I find no greater joy than seeing a child's eyes light up when they learn something new.
Another of my greatest joys is music - especially worship. One thing I have missed not being at Bundaberg Church, is having someone make the comment each week, "Your smile when you sing just adds something to our worship." It's easier to smile when you know the words of a song and don't need to concentrate on `getting it right'. This morning in Church I decided to SMILE. I would sing for joy and not worry about whether I sang in key or not.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free." (Chris Tomlin, Louie Giglio). I don't know what chains were binding Chris and Louie when they wrote this `new' chorus of `Amazing Grace'. Maybe, like John Newton, they had just discovered the freedom that came with forgiveness and committment to Christ. For me, those chains have been guilt and fear, and as I am set free from these binds, I can move forward in service for my Lord, wherever that may be.
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